The Double-Edged Sword of Witness

It was one of those days. I had an early morning dental appointment and an afternoon headache. I spent the day chasing problems and not catching them. I didn't finish the tasks I'd set out for myself. I was so tired in the afternoon I was literally nodding off at my desk. And then just as I was about to head out the door, I ended up in a phone call with someone angry about a new task they're having to perform who sort of took it out on me. And although I didn't shout at them or anything, I kind of ended up saying, essentially, "that's just the way it is, and you're going to have to learn to deal with it." And I feel like I did a poor job of representing my company, which makes me furious with myself.

It's always tough, being a witness. I know I fail in the most important areas as well. The final nail in the coffin of my day was visiting the blog of a Catholic friend who once upon a time, back when I was being more introspective and less shallow in my posts, had a link back to my blog. That link is now gone. And I totally understand, though it felt a bit of a slap in the face. This hasn't been much of a Catholic blog lately. Not much of a Christian blog. It's mostly a bunch of materialistic (and sometimes whiny) thoughts about physical things and writing, and nothing more. Why? Largely because I feel like I can't write well enough or convincingly enough to represent my "company." I'm better off staying on the surface. I'm better off making small talk, because if I try to speak about big important things, I'll embarrass the family.

I'm not sure how to get past that fear. And maybe there's no call to, maybe I should let go of that guilt and just remove that quote I love so much at the top of my page, stop pretending to be anything more than a jumble of random vaguely writing related stuff. Maybe I should start a second blog where I try to sort out some of my more meaningful thoughts, or move my meaningless content posts to a new place. I'm not sure what my blog should be a lot of the time. Everyone else seems to have a unifying purpose. Mine seems to be pure vanity. And that makes me sad. I guess originally I hoped to post *some* of my fiction writing, but also hoped to think and share deep thoughts. Instead my deep thoughts (still too shallow, I feel, for public consumption) remain locked up tight in my private journal.

The other thing I've been struggling with, the other reason I've stayed away from my faith in my recent posts, is that I'm struggling with what I suppose one would call dryness. I go to church, talk about all these things with family, I go to early morning adoration on Wednesdays, I go through all the motions, and I could tell anyone in depth what I believe, but I don't *feel* a deep and committed belief most of the time. I don't feel anything. And how do you write through that?

I'll end off with this poem I wrote in adoration, as I grappled with that question.

So many have written of You:
words of beauty, sweetness, light beyond all measure.
I feel the writing longing,
but what poetry is in me?
I feel nothing.
What poetry can come of emptiness?

My soul walks in shadow;
fear and doubt howl
across the wind-swept plains of my existence
where I walk alone.
And yet I know that it is your love
that holds me in being.
I feel nothing,
but I know this--
and that must be enough for me.

Shameful secrets and a prayer request of sorts

I'm still struggling to get back into regularly updating my journal, let alone getting back into blogging. So...instead of any attempt at deep thoughts, how's about I just babble about stuff-I've-been-up-to-and-what's-been-on-my-mind? Kinda.

I live in a dump. Well...pretty much. It's bad. I'm ashamed of it. On any occasion where people ask where I live, I hedge. On occasions when I've needed a ride home, I ask them to let me off nearby without pointing out my house. Once, when I had my guitar worked on and the friend who fixed it up for me offered to drop it by on his way to town to save me a trip, I actually got in my car and drove to the store that's literally next door so I wouldn't have to admit to this place. It's a very old and very poorly maintained mobile home with a host of issues--only one stove burner works, the electricity to the oven is broken, the roof leaks in at least one place during hard rain, there is mold anywhere and everywhere, many of the electrical outlets don't work...I could go on. And on the outside, it's just plain ugly. It needs pressure-washed in the worst way (green crud all over it), it has shutters that were painted an odd wanna-be-Hermes sort of green, many of which dangle precariously, and the back stoop has folded in on itself.

And it's literally falling apart around me. While I was dealing with my recent cable outage, I discovered that part of the floor against the wall near where the cable comes into the house is rotted all the way through. I've fixed things I'm capable of fixing, but there are many, many limits to my skills in the fix-it-up realm.

It's a rental, so I'm not bound to it in any way. And though I've tried to make my landlord aware of my worries, he a) seems inclined to blame me and b) doesn't completely understand the problems--he's Korean and doesn't always understand me, I don't think. To be fair to him, he kind of inherited this parcel of land (and all its problems) when he bought the store next door, and it's a bit of an afterthought for him. But even so...he is my landlord. I'm sure if I really made a stink about it, he'd at least take a stab at things...but in all honesty, he doesn't have a great track record for finishing things. Also in all honesty, this place should probably be torn down and replaced with a new mobile if it's going to continue as a rental property.

My stay here was originally meant to be very temporary. It's a long and boring story, but in essence, it was cheap rent, and I wanted somewhere to live until I was more settled in my job when I first moved out here, and there are, in fact, some good things about this location. I have a good amount of land and a huge fenced yard, where I'm allowed to keep my dog. I'm near the interstate, but out of town (except for the mini-mart next door). Most of the time, this place is mostly warm and mostly dry--it's fine all summer, and it's really only this time of year it gets me down in a big way. I realize that compared to much of the world, I'm incredibly blessed.

But I really want to move on. However, the pickings are slim. I have a dog about the size of a small Labrador, for one thing, and it can be hard to find rentals that are OK with that. There's no way I'd give him up. Besides the fact that he's my dog and I wouldn't abandon him, as a single gal living alone, there's a great deal of comfort in having a biggish black dog around. Granted, *I* know the most he's liable to do to an intruder is to breathe on them excitedly and drool on their fingers, but *they* don't necessarily know that.

And the two cats...well, I dragged them all the way from Vermont with me. They're not going anywhere, either.

But having both means most of the places that would work well for us are those really geared toward families--which often means they're actually too big and well out of my price range. Also often crammed into housing communities up near Fort Lewis, when I'd rather be, if anything, further south and more rural. There just aren't many rentals available in rural areas, which only makes sense.

To complicate matters (or simplify them, I haven't decided which), nearby friends are finally buying their own bit of land and a house, so their current home will probably be available. The downside is that it too is a mobile, albeit a much nicer one in much better condition. And they live right here, which would make moving easy. And all my routines and paths and haunts could remain the same. The rent would be some higher, but not a lot. They do, however, have space for horses, and I don't need that. I think I'd worry about not making full use of the place, silly though that may sound. And above all, I don't want to take it over just because it's convenient--if it's the *right* move (and it may well be), I want to do so, but I can be all too quick to jump on the easy route.

On the other hand, taking something a long way away and at the edge of what I'm able to spend just because it's *different* from here would be a bad move, too. Even if this place itself is pretty lousy, I have a lot going for me: "my" coffee house is pretty much on the way to work, I have my routines where grocery shopping and the library and all go, and above all, I have a *fabulous* parish in St. Michael's in downtown Olympia: it's a huge parish, which can make it a bit daunting, but because of the size they can support all sorts of activities and different groups. And they have Perpetual Adoration. Awesome.

My tendency is to rush into things once I've made a decision to make a change. I get completely obsessed with a thought and have trouble dealing with any other aspects of life, and that's just not right. I've been here almost four years. A few more months one way or another isn't going to make a difference. I'm going to keep an eye out on Craigslist and such, keep thinking about the nearby option, do some driving around to get a feel for the various neighborhoods out there. For those of you who are the praying sort, I'd really appreciate prayers for guidance--and patience!